June 2005 cockroach invasion
Part of Misc. Cockroach Wars
Paper frogs in attack formation, early stages of the siege
Date 5-9 June 2005
Location FPH Island
Result Decisive FPH victory; radioactive waste causes poor corn crops for the next several years
Casus belli GCHCs being dicks like that
Flag of FPH.jpg FPH Clan
Ankh.png NP Island Army
Solid black flag.png GCHCs
Hal, Leader
The whole Clan untold millions
The Cockroach Invasion of 2005 was the largest battle with the GCHCs in recorded history. A surprise attack that almost left the Clan destroyed, it would have been remembered as one of our finest military achievements had we not pretty much blown up the island.


Cockroaches like to swarm in the summer and 2005 was a pretty warm year. However, the Clan had no prior intel on the invasion, because do you know how bloody hard is it to spy on cockroaches.

Attack on the Fort of GaynessEdit

The Fort of Gayness, commemorating Theias the Heroe of the Land, was located on the first lines of the Clan's defense, on the mainland near the FPH Island. It was attacked out of the blue shortly after noon, on June 5. Commander Theias commanded a release of 200,000 goats from the Fort. As Lief reported back,

Well, I've got reports from the front. Of the 200,000 gay goats we released, 74% were eaten by the cockroaches, 98% of those while...fornicating each other. 20% fled, and probably won't be coming back. The other 6% made it back alive.


The remaining 6% were given medals.


Dan was in command of this battleship so it probably drove into a wall

While all of this was taking place, the other Templars were undertaking whatever defense maneuvres came to their minds. Pascal took an owl glove and tried to hurl some owls into combat, pr2 got busy organising the Penguins, and Dan found a fucking battleship somewhere.

Siege of the Fortress of FuckEdit

After the fall of the Fort of Gayness, Lief and Theias retreated to the Fortress of Fuck on June 6th. In the afternoon, a Canadian outpost nearby lost its maple syrup supplies and fell to the Roaches. Everyone started making references to Star Wars and still new brands of avian allies were being made up. So by the evening all the forts were overrun and everyone retreated to the docks.

Bombardment of the Docks and Island InvasionEdit

At night, the Templars decided to bombard the mainland docks to prevent the Cockroaches from reaching the Island. The plan was only partially successful, however, and on June 7th first cockroaches started landing on the Purple Beaches and Party Beaches.

Everything gets nukedEdit

Early in the morning on June 8th the Templars, now desperate and certain of defeat, remembered they had stockpiles of nuclear weapons on the Island. They proceeded to fire them at the cockroaches, who at this point were kinda also on the Island. As a result, the Island began to sink. Then pr2 filled the vast cookie vaults beneath it with hydrogen so it began to fly. Then the hydrogen caught on fire so it began to explode.

Deus ex machinaEdit

Fortunately while being held captive by the cockroaches Lief and Theias banged 15 times in a row which earned them divine powers and they smote all dangers away and undid the destruction. The Golden Hippo then removed Lief and Theias's divine powers on account of that being creepy, very carefully.

Many sleepless nights were spent staring at the ceiling and thinking what the fuck